492 replies to this topic

[Lord B]

If Mums have Mothers day, Dads have Father's day, Lovers have Valentines day, what is there for single blokes?




















Palm Sunday           

[okrang]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same wealthy neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for �500.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: bacon, eggs, tomatoes, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a Five Pound Note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words,"he said, "but what's the fiver for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
He said, "F**k him.. Give him a fiver."
"Breakfast was my idea!"

Edited by Lord B, 25 August 2007 - 22:05 .
sorry just cocked up, moved it now

[Sir Drivealot]

Lord B's House

[fatgut]

why do mice have small balls?




















because not many of them know how to dance

[okrang]

<H3 style="MARGIN: auto 0cm">Pygmy club </H3>A hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pygmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked:

"Did you kill that?"

The pygmy said, "Yes."

The hunter asked. "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"

Said the pygmy: "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?"

The pygmy replied: "There's about 260 of us."

[Lord B]

Sir Drivealot, on Aug 25 2007, 11:07 PM, said:

Lord B's House

??????????????????????????

[FletchV70RAWD]

Don`t know if this is true but if it is hats off to the General, if not its still funny!!

General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?


The radio went silent and the interview ended.

[Mongo]

Retired People


Working people frequently ask  retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for  example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We  were only in there for about five minutes.

When we came out, there was a  cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said,
"Come on man,  how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued  writing the ticket. So I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started  writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a  shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the  first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20  minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we  didn't care. We came into town by bus!

We try to have a little fun each  day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[roadhog]

Know Jack?

http://jack.zunino.net/knowjack.htm

[Lord B]

A young guy from California moves to Colorado and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, �Do you have any sales experience?� The kid says, �Yeah, I was named �Best Salesman in the State� back home in California.�

Well, the boss liked the idea of that, so he gave him the job. �You start tomorrow. I�ll come down after we close and see how you did.�

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

�So, Mr. Best Salesman in the State,� the boss says, �how many sales did you make?�

The kid says, �One.�

The boss says, �Just one?! My sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?�

Kid says, �$101,237.64.�

The boss is staggered � that�s more than what everyone together averages. �$101,237.64? What did you sell him?�

�Let�s see,� the kid says. �First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then I asked him what he was going to pull it with, and he said he had a Honda Civic. I told him that wasn�t big enough for a boat that heavy, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him a new V8 SUV.�

�Wow!� the boss said. �A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?�

Kid says, �No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, �Well, since your weekend�s shot, you might as well go fishing.���

[V70D5]

Jelly Battle game.  Strangely addictive.    Go on, you know you want to.

Linky

[Mongo]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said,

"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."



The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"







Mongo.

[Silver850T5M]

How does a psycho analyst change a light bulb?

they don't the lightbulb has to want to change

[Lord B]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He thinks to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand,I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.
We just got off Highway 189" !!!!!

[okrang]

A Test for Dementia


>>>> > Below are four questions and a bonus question.
>>>>>  You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.
>>>> >
>>>> > Let's find out just how clever you really are...
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > Ready? GO!!!
>>>>>>(scroll down)
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > First Question:
>>>> >
>>>> > You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person.
>>>> > What position are you in?
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
>>>> > absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take
>>>> > his place, you are second!
>>>> >
>>>> > Try not to screw up next time.
>>>> > Now answer the second question,
>>>> > but don't take as much time as you took for the first question,
>>>>>>
>>>>>> OK?
>>>> >
>>>> > Second Question:
>>>> > If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
>>>> > (scroll down)
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are
>>>>>  wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > You're not very good at this, are you?
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > Third Question:
>>>> > Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
>>>> > Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.
>>>> > Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 ! Now add 10.
>>>> > What is the total?
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > Scroll down for answer.....
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > Did you get 5000?
>>>> >
>>>> > The correct answer is actually 4100.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
>>>> > Today is definitely not your day, is it?
>>>> > Maybe you'll get the last question right....
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > Fourth Question:
>>>> > Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4.
>>>> > Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > Did you Answer Nunu?
>>>> > NO! Of course it isn't.
>>>> > Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > Okay, now the bonus round:
>>>> >
>>>> > A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
>>>> > imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
>>>> > expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
>>>> > Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
>>>> > sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > He just has to open his mouth and ask...
>>>> > It's really very simple....

[Lord B]

From Mongo

[Silver850T5M]

so its wwII and there is this group of american soldiers entrenched in a ditch and know of the impending german counter attack that would overrun them for sure.

one soldier gets to thinking how he is going to leave that front and live to fight another day, so he decides to stomp his foot and breaks a toe. he goes to the medic complaining that he wont be able to fight. the medic fashions him a cane and gives him morphine and says


"ok buddy your good to fight, we're gonna need every last man"


crap ! thought the soildier, so thinking that they surely wouldnt make him fight with out a weapon he found a way to destroy his. he then went to his CO and told him.

"i dont have a weapon so i guess i wont be able to fight"

the CO looked at the soldier and thought for a moment, then he then told the soldier-

"nonsense we need every man we can get, all of us are going to hold this area if it means we do till the last man." he looked around and found a broom in some rubble and hanhed it to the soldier and said

"hold it like this and aim at the enemy and yell BANGITTY BAGITTY BANG ! and they'll drop like flies"

"what if they get to close ?" asked the soldier

the CO looked around some more and found he broom head with some bristles still in place and strapped it to the front of the broom

"there, now if they get too close just poke them with this end and yell STABITTY STABITTY STAB!"

seeing that there was no way around the ineviteble the soldier took up aposition in the ranks and waited.

the germans came roaring over the top of the embankment. absolute carnage broke out the sounds of war soon filled the pocket where the 2 sides met.

the soldier was standing around an ever increasing pile of bodies pointing his broom stick at the germans yelling "BANGITTY BANGITTY BANG!" and to his surprise they were toppling over everytime ! he became more confident and racked up his share of kills.... then more germans came and the combat turned to hand to hand, the solider did not hesitate to run to the germans and poke them yelling "STABITTY STABITTY STAB, BANG, STAB... BANG BANG, STAB STAB STABITTY."

in the aftermath the soldier with the broom stick was the only one left alive, he then saw a BIG muscular german with his shoulders squared walking very slowly toward the single american soldier.

the american started up again "BANGITTY BANG BANG", the german didnt fall over... just kept walking. soon he was in stabbing range. the soldier yelled "STABITTY STABITTY BANG BANG STAB BANG!" nothing happend. the german walked right over the soldier....

as the american lay there dieing he heard the german muttering

"Tankitty.... Tankitty....Tankitty" as he marched on

[Mongo]

Mongo.

[Mongo]

Caravans????????Probably seen it before but its worth a laugh.




Mongo.