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Lord B

Funnies

522 posts in this topic

You might have to sign in yourself to youtube as its considered adult content.Its not that good...just thought it was funny,

Mongo.

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A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"

"I'm out of petrol," the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

"Try it now," said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed, "what did you put in my petrol tank"?

The bee answered,

image00111-1.gif

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Mr. Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a double Decker, It was after eight.

She was from Quality Street; he was a fisherman's friend.

On the way, they stopped at a Yorkie bar, he had a rum and butter, and she had a wine gum.

He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. I'm the one with the nuts, he thought! Then he touched her milky way.

They checked in, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of black magic.

It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her snickers and felt her cream egg. He fondled her flap jacks then he showed her his curly wurly and tic tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more jelly babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard.

He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size mars bar felt a bit crunchy.

She wanted more, he needed time out, and however, he noticed her pink wafers looked very appetizing. He did a twirl, had a picnic in her sherbet and finished of by giving her a gob stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

Sadly he was soon to discover he had VD.

It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with allsorts!!!!

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Woman gets on a bus holding a baby, bus driver says

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An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him,

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Neds/Chavs

facts about neds:

Q. What do you call a ned in a box?

A. Innit.

Q. What do you call a nedette and a ned in a phone box?

A. Fucking innit.

Q.What do you call a ned waiting in a bus shelter?

A. At a party.

Q. What do you call a 12 year old ned girl?

A. Pregnant.

Q. Why did the ned cross the road?

A. To punch someone for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Q. Why did the ned stare at the carton of Orange Juice?

A. Because it had 'concentrate' on it.

Q. What do you say to a ned in a suit?

A. Will the defendant please stand.

Q. What do ned use as protection during sex?

A. A bus shelter.

Q. What do you say to a ned with a job?

A. Can I have a Big Mac please?

Q. What have neds got in common with turtles?

A. When they're on their back they're fucked.

Q. How does a ned girl turn the lights off after sex?

A. She closes the car door.

Q. Why did that ned go to prison?

A. He got caught stealing pens to apply for his dole cheques

Q. What do you call a 30 year old ned?

A. Dunno. Ask her 17 year old son.

Q. What do you do if you run a ned over?

A. Slip it into reverse just to make sure.

Q. What do you do if you shoot a ned?

A. Reload.

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ROTFPML @ tim

:lol:

kez

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A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the

> bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was

> > addressed, "Dad."

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with

> > trembling hands.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > "Dear Dad.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with

> > my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you

> > would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight

> > motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Stacy said that we will be very happy. We share a dream of having many more

> > children.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole

> > winter.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt

> > anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other

> > people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy

> > can get better. She sure deserves it!!

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Some day, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many

> > grandchildren.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Love from your son, Joshua.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

> >

> >

> > I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the

> > school report that's on my desk.

> >

> >

> > I love you!

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > P.S.S. Call when it is safe for me to come home.

>

>

Mongo.

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nice ..brings back some painful memories of recent..funny girls name should be stacy

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A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'

Mongo.

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a father asked his 10 year old if he knew about the birds and the bee's

i dont want to know said the lad, bursting into tears.

confused, the father asked what was wrong ?

oh dad ,the boy sobbed when i was 6 i got there is a no santa speech.

at 7, i got the no easter bunny speech.

when i was 8 , you hit me with there is no tooth fairy speech.

if you tell me grown ups dont shag.

what have i to live for ?

kez

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QUESTION:

How do you tell the difference between a UK Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

ANSWER:

Pose the following question -

You're down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.

You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?.

UK Police Officer answer:

Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he would be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-9-9?

Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour.

If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, Do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?

If I shoot him, and lose the court case does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and will I lose my family home?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AUSTRALIAN OFFICERS Answer:

BANG!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AMERICAN OFFICERS Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

click... (sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping dad, were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

PMSL

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Alot of the sayings below are something I should take into account lol :)

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5

TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6

TRY SA YING: Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF: I'm only one F__ ing person.

Number 15

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,

Human Resources

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THE TIMES - - Letter of the Year:

A SENIOR MOMENT - (I PRAY TO GOD THAT I HAVE THEM LIKE THIS......) An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times and this newspaper thanks him most sincerely.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account

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A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a

woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is

a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of

the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may

choose any item fro m a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next

floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floorian

the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and

Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with

Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign

reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this

floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to

please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store

just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

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A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mummy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mum won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

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Computer gender...male or female???

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike

> > English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

> >

> > 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

> > 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

> >

> > A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

> >

> > Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two

> > groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves

> >

> > whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each

> > group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

> >

> > The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the

> > feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

> >

> > 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

> >

> > 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers

> > is incomprehensible to everyone else;

> >

> > 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for

> > possible later retrieval; and

> >

> > 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself

> > spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

> >

> > (THIS GETS BETTER!)

> >

> > The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be

> >

> > Masculine ('el computador'), because:

> >

> > 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

> >

> > 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

> >

> > 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time

> > they ARE the problem; and

> >

> > 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a

> > little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

> >

> > The women won.

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A little funny for you! Enjoy!

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on

nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you!

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A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here

and continue feeling good.

Male readers :

Please scroll down.

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

..

...

...

...

....

...

...

...

...

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really

smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that

women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

:D

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Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman in a pub in Tenerife.

>

> "Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow

> there's a little bar called McTavishs. Now the landlord there goes out of

> his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the

> 5th drink for you."

>

> "Well", said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there

> will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

>

> "Ahhhhh, that's nothing", said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's

> Ryans Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink,

> then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks

> they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

>

> The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he

> swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually

> happen to you?"

>

> "Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me

> sister."

Mongo.

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A woman is in hospital in a coma. During a routine check she shows a slight response to being touched in the vaginal area.

The nurses advise the husband that oral sex might be a way to bring her out of the coma.

Two hours later the woman is dead. The nurses ask the man what happened.

"Dunno" he says, "maybe she choked......." :lol:

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1. Woman

2. Washing machine

3. Toaster

4. Dishwasher

Which is the odd one out?

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

The Toaster, it's the only one that doesn't drip when it's fucked....... :lol:

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