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Lord B

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After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room it wasn't there.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.

Immediately I rushed to the parking lot , I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, car no description of car/placed i parked etc, i equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband, "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these.

"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.

"Idiot", he shouted, "I dropped you at the hotel!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He shouted again, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car..

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Fifty Shades Of Grey

My missus bought a paperback

In Asda, Saturday.

I had a look inside the bag -

'Twas "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it, see,

And went off up to bed.

An hour later, she appeared

Oh, the sight filled me with dread.

In her hand she held a rope,

The other, held a whip.

She brandished them around a bit

And then began to strip.

Well, forty years ago

I might have had a peek.

But Doris hasn't weathered well -

She's sixty-eight next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind

Couldn't be much grimmer.

And things progressed from bad to worse -

She toppled off her Zimmer .

She struggled back up to her feet

A good half hour later,

Put her teeth back in and said

That I must dominate her.

Now if you knew our Doris, see,

You'd know just why I cringed.

I'd been two months in traction, 'cos

My hips and knees unhinged.

She stood there nude. All naked, like,

Bent forward quite a bit

and, jumping back in fright, I went

And stood on her left t*t.

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,

My word. What HAD I done ?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out

"Step on the OTHER one"

Well reader, I can tell no more

About what occurred that day.

Suffice to say, my dark brown hair,

Turned fifty shades of grey.

Black and blue, battered too,

With wanton, wild perversion,

We decided that a night of sin

Was scarce worth such exertion.

Thank Heavens she has binned the book

And peace reigns, like before.

She's head to toe in winceyette

And back to back, we snore.

Anon.

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BMW has announced that the new 5 Series will have a ‘Self Park’ option.

How about: Self not indicating

Self pulling out into traffic when there is no gap

Self tailgating and flashing headlights

This would then allow the BMW driver to use their iPhone almost uninterrupted and more time to pose like the c**ts they are.

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignored them at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.

"In this country... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives" ...

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.

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Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

 

 

 

 

 

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

 

 

 

 

 

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.  That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

 

 

 

 

 

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

 

 

 

 

 

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house.  Turns out she was a Slovak.

 

 

 

 

 

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.  If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

 

 

 

 

 

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.  To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

 

Nothing.

 

 

 

 

 

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat.  That's a lot.  Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

 

 

 

 

 

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.

 

I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

 

 

 

 

 

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

 

 

 

 

 

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .

 

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

 

 

 

 

 

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

 

 

 

 

 

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.

 

Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

 

 

 

 

 

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

 

 

 

 

 

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth .

 

 

 

 

 

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan !  He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats!  It’s doing well!  Prophets are going through the roof!!

 

 

 

 

 

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

 

 

 

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'

 

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

 

 

 

 

 

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

 

Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

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FIFTY SHADES OF CHOCOLATE

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street .
He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.
... 'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts.

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1.     The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.  I thought to myself "She's  going through the change."

2.    When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.  What a pair of sexist idiots.  I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

3.    Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan ?"  He replies, "Outside playing with Paki-Dave".

4.    Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

5.    Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

6.    A teddy bear is working on a building site.  He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.  The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.  The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

7.    Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?"  "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

8.    Just got back from my mate's funeral.  He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.  It was a lovely service.

9.    19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"  Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

10.  An Asian fellow has moved in next door.  He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain.  It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.

11.  A Welsh Muslim was caught today having sex with a young sheep.  In his defence he said it was islam and he could do whatever he liked with it.

13.  Why did my wife cross the road?
     To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three bloody hours ago.

14.  This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from Vegetarian club.
     I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.

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At the scene of a terrible road accident, a guy is laying sprawled out on the road, seemingly stone dead. The rescue workers are all around him, but can do nothing to resuscitate him. Suddenly, a young woman in a short miniskirt forces her way through the crowd.

"Let me at him, I can help him," she says.

"What can you do?" ask the rescue people. "We've tried everything to revive him, and it's too late."

"I can," says the woman. "Stand back!"

And she promptly takes off her panties, and crouches with her crotch over the man's face. Suddenly, the man coughs, splutters, and sits up.

"What did you do?" ask the rescue people, amazed.

The woman says, "Blood Transfusion."

 

 

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Fathers Day

 

She woke me up this morning by slipping under the duvet and stroking my cock - next thing I'm getting a great blowie.
After 10 minutes she emerged, wiping her lips.
"That was great, love," I grinned.
"I thought you'd enjoy it," she said, winking. "Happy Father's Day, Dad."

 

 

 

What's the most confusing day of the year for a Chav?

Father's day.

 

 

 

I told my wife that she has to buy me a Father's Day present.

I mean, why should I suffer just because she had a miscarriage?

 

 

 

My wife just said, "If you're good today, I'll give you a Fathers' Day blowjob later." 

Her dad looked as shocked as I was.

 

 

 

 

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I saw a midget coming out of Currys today. I said 'would you like a hand with your t.v'

He looked at me and said 'it's an IPad arsehole'

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A bloke moves house to a remote highland village , there is a knock at the door and there stands an enormous Scotsman with red hair bushy beard ,kilt the works.

"I am here to officially welcome you to the village" he says

"Thanks very much " says the bloke

" there is to be a party to welcome you properly" says the huge scot

" that sounds really good I like a good party " says the bloke

" Aye ,there will be dancing ... there will be drinking..... There will be lovemaking! " says the scot

" and who all will be coming to the party ? " asks the bloke

" you and me " says the Scotsman.

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Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?

Because the grass tickles their balls

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Puncture repairs?!?

 

Tyre.jpg

 

Paul

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Is that the prototype to the can of gunk and compressor you get with most cars now :D

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Letter of the day. post-1047-0-98309600-1407822228_thumb.jpg

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Ed Milliband was visiting a primary school.  He joined a class in the middle of words and their meanings. The teacher asked Milliband if he would like to lead a discussion on the word "Tragedy"  So Milliband asked the class for an example of a "Tragedy".

A little boy stood up and offered " If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in a field and a tractor run over him, that would be a tragedy"

"Incorrect"  said Milliband," it would be an accident".

A little girl raised her hand, " If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off the road and crashed killing everyone on b oard, that would be a tragedy",

" I'm afraid not" said Milliband.  " That's what we call a great loss"

The class went silent, no other children volunteered. Milliband searched the room.  "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a Tragedy"?

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand, " If a plane carrying  you, Ed Balls, and Mrs Harmon was struck by a 'friendly fire missile' and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy"

"Fantastic" exclaimed Milliband, " and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy"

"Well" said Johnny "It has to be a tragedy, because it wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f....ng accident either"

Edited by RobbieH

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A variation on a theme that one, but I like the political connotation..

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With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, 'Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?'

 
'No,' said her husband.

 
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

 
He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

 
She then asked him, 'Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?'

 
'Uh... no, I haven't,' he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

 
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

 
He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

 
'Now,' she said, 'have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?'

 
He said 'No!', trying to hide his arousal.

 
She said ......
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
'Check the garage.'

Edited by PEAKUNDER

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Tongue in cheek medical advice & diagnoses.

 

 

Medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”.

We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal:

GUTS - It is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - It is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

 

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.

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