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Lord B

Funnies

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Little girl crying in a supermarket in Romford,

Manager arrives, 'whats are you crying for?'

I cant find mummy,

Whats mummy like?

Big cocks and Bacardi Breezers.

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A great answer to a dumb question!!

Katie Couric, of American CBS News programme, while interviewing a Royal Marine sniper in Afghanistan , asked:

'What do you feel when you shoot a Taliban Fighter?'

The Marine shrugged and replied,

'A slight recoil.'

Hard to fault a Marine who is that eloquent!!

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For the T5D5 pervs, :lol:

Try to not watch this at least ten times. :lol:

r2nayv.gif

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Q-Whats red and white and site in a tree?

A-A sanitary owl.

Mongo.

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BRICKLAYER'S ACCIDENT REPORT

Possibly the funniest story in a while. This is a bricklayer's accident

report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian

equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a

DarwinAward for sure....

Dear Sir ,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in

Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause

of

my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the

following

details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was

working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed

my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed

later

were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower

them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of

the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung

the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and

untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the

bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh

175lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I forgot

to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up

the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now

proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the

fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed

in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I

continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my

right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.Fortunately this time

I

was able

to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great

deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the

ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight

of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you

again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent,

down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met

the

barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several

lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change

slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen

my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only

three

vertebrae were cracked.I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on

the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I must have lost my

presence

of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel

begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Mongo.

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A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!'

The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?'

'Yes.'

'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?'

'Yes.'

'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?'

'Yes.'

'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.'

Guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.'

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?'

The hooker replies, '$1,500.'

'I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!'

The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.'

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, 'Sign me up.'

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,'How much for some pussy?'

The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?'

'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?'

'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a pussy.'

_________________

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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON

and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides

to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign"

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming"

Glasgow cop says "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and

registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop,

that's the law, License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow

down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration, and you give me

the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir"

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*** out of the

lawyer and says "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

Mongo.

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NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in

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Anyone seen the new Cadbury's Dairy Milk add with the airport vehicles racing?

Terminal 5 by any chance?? :lol:

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Too SLOW Joules - just like your car.....NOT :lol:

I beat you!

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After recent success in the UK junior hide and seek championships, Shannon Matthews is looking to move onto Europe and take on current European Champion Madelaine McCann. :rolleyes::D

However Natascha Kampusch 8 year world record appears to be safe for the time being ;):P

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Just been thinking, and did dinosaurs die out cos they were gay, and so didn't reproduce?????

I thinking about the Stegga - sore arse

the Tranny Sore Arse rex...........................

LB

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Circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat b*stard.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so It may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you naked.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Housewives. The best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

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After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics

about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems,

document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe

sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews

lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints

submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded

(marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an

accident.....

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

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Have you ever wondered why there are agony aunts but no agony uncles?.................... read on

Dear Ted,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Susie Fox

Dear Susie,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber .

I hope this helps.

Ted

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A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down

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Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,

waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,

checked his weight, and being a little concerned,

asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and

rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional

and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,

"No wonder this baby is underweight.

You don't have any milk."

I know," she said,

"I'm his Grandma,

but I'm glad I came."

Mongo.

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Ok not so much a joke but this just happened:

Got to drive to a funeral in driffield tomorrow so I go to google maps and click the "get directions" bit.

I type in my post code WF2 into the "from" bit and "driffield crematorium" into the "destination" bit and click go.

At this point I'm sceptical whether it will find the actual place but thought at the least it would get me to driffield at which point my gran will remeber how to get to the actual place (she's been before but not travelled from my place before) but...............................

Apparently I need to go to:

Pet & Garden World

206 Armley Road

Leeds

Now I know that it may very well be a good place to pick some flowers up but its in the wrong frigging county!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :rolleyes::):):)

Not quite as good as the one which was on top gear a while ago.

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