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Lord B

Funnies

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A lion,a Monkey,a Squirrel and a Giraffe were walking along and come across a Coconut tree.

The monkey says''lets have a race to find out who can get the banana first''

Who wins???

No one,have you ever seen a banana growing on a coconut tree?

Mongo.

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BRICKLAYER'S ACCIDENT REPORT

Possibly the funniest story in a while. This is a bricklayer's accident

report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian

equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a

DarwinAward for sure....

Dear Sir ,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in

Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause

of

my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the

following

details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was

working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed

my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed

later

were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower

them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of

the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung

the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and

untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the

bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh

175lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I forgot

to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up

the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now

proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the

fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed

in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I

continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my

right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.Fortunately this time

I

was able

to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great

deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the

ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight

of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you

again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent,

down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met

the

barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several

lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change

slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen

my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only

three

vertebrae were cracked.I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on

the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I must have lost my

presence

of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel

begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Mongo.

lmfao this was made in to a song lol watch and laugh ur cock off

or

or the original which is buy the dubliners http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fx7aoEBtPXA

Edited by adamsky01

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Good find,that was hilarious.

Mongo.

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Good find,that was hilarious.

Mongo.

i only new abought because i have the dubliners greatest hits on 3 cds don't shoot me for it i was on a ferry to roslare and wanted a little bit of culture in the cd changer

ok here is my one and only crap joke lol why dosent kfc have toilet paper ?

A

because its finger licking good

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How to speak South Essex!!

This has been an invaluable guide to me.

alma
chizzit
- A request to find the cost of an item

amant
- Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend")

assband
- Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc

awss
- A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost ("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day")

branna
- More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?")

cort a panda
- A rather large hamburger

Dan in the maff
- Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit Dan in the maff")

eye-eels
- Women's shoes

Furrock
- The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre

garrij
- A building where a car is kept or repaired(Trace: "Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs at go in the garrij cos it aint working proper")

Ibeefa
- Balaeric holiday island

afarjik
- Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik")

OI OI!
- Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs

paipa
- The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport

reband
- The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig")

Saffend
-
Essex
coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday

tan
- The city of
London
, the big smoke

webbats
- Querying the location something or someone is. ("Webbats is me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour")

wonnid
- 1. Desired, needed. 2. Wanted by the police

zaggerate
- To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is. ("I told ya a fazzand times already")

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BBC have reported that petrol stations will start playing poro movies on screens in there forecourts.

This is so that you may see someone else getting *ucked at the same time as you.

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Price of petrol is so high at the moment that even the taxi drivers are taking the most direct route!

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the longest joke in the world

Lost in the Desert

spacer.gif

So, there

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham

sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'But you're a duck'.

'I see your eyes are working', replies the duck.

'And you talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working', says the duck, 'Now can I have my beer

and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly', says the barman, 'sorry about that, it's just we don't get

many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road', explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to

him

'You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just

brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!'.

'Sounds marvelous', says the ringmaster, 'get him to give me a call'.

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey

Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good

money!'

'Yeah?', says the duck, 'Sounds great, where is it?' 'At the circus',

says the barman.

'The circus?' the duck enquires.

'That's right', replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again.

'Yes' says the barman

'That place with the big tent?' the duck enquires.

'Yeah' the barman replies.

'With all the animals?' the duck questioned.

'Of Course' the barman replies.

'With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle', asks the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck looks confused. ......

.

'What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer?'

Mongo.

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does any one know the shortest standing joke ??????????????????????????????

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

??

?

???

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

???

///

/////

GORDON BROWN

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Queen mother goes to heaven and is walking round some beautiful gardens when she bumps into Princess Diana

"Hi Gran, how are you?" says Diana

"Oh, not to bad thank you. Where do you go to get your Halo?" askes Queen Mum

"Halo?" says a puzzled looking Diana.

"Yes. Like the one you have around your head" says the Queen Mum

"Thats a F$*cking steering wheel!" squeals Diana

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Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when they ran over a cow. so posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and tell them what happened. an hour later the driver came staggering back to the car in disarray. he was holding a wine bottle in one hand a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

"what happened?" asked posh.

The driver replied "the farmer gave me the wine , his wife gave me the cigar , and their beautiful daughter shagged me senseless."

"my god what did you tell them?" asked posh.

"i just said im Victoria beckham's driver , and i just killed the cow."

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Middle aged women walks into living room naked.

Husband says: "Why are you naked?!!"

She replies: "This is my love dress"

Husband says: "Well go & fking iron it!

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There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude

woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred

years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a

single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a

hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life

for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the

shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you

care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.

This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'

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The Labour Party has announced it has changed its emblem from a rose to a condom.

This will give a more accurate representation of the Party's current political stance.

A condom:

Allows for inflation,

Halts production,

Destroys the next generation,

Protects a bunch of pricks,

and gives you a sense of security whilst you are actually being fked.

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B & Q WARNING

Warning about B&Q

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday.

I walked into B&Q hardware store at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the bastard out.

Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.

Pass this warning on.

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A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year

schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polo's. He gave all the children

the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by

colour and flavour.

The children began to say:

"Red............cherry,"

"Yellow.........lemon,"

"Green..........lime,"

"Orange........orange."

Finally the professor gave them all honey flavoured Polos.

After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify

the taste.

"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may

sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled:

"Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!"

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Subject: Ferrari

A lady walks into a Ferrari dealership and browses. Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales person doesn

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You have just walked out of the church after your delightful

wedding ceremony and on the church steps, both your families

are applauding you with a hundred friends gathered around.

The photographer raises his camera and following your family's

tradition, both of you are holding beautiful live white doves

which you will release together.

Bride and groom stand happily shoulder to shoulder with a dove

gently held in both hands as everyone eagerly awaits the climax of

your marriage vows.

The photographer gives the ready signal and you open your hands

toward the sky and release the doves as a symbol of your eternal

love.

Not a dry eye anywhere, such a moving sight, the camera flashes

and the moment is captured for all eternity.............

Scroll down and cringe ..........................

whitedoves.jpg

Gown

Edited by kjkir

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A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store.

As he got to the register he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers.

He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us,was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers.

He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Till 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy.

He thought what he had seen was way too cool.

He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers and he did.

She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up

The Intercom and said...

you'll love this one...................)

'Mop and bucket, Till 5'

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.

After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the

sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

"Watson, you pillock. Somebody has stolen our tent."

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Try this one out. (courtesy of Lord B - couldn't resist sharing it)

WARNING - DO NOT PLAY THIS GAME IF YOU HAVE A NERVOUS DISPOSITION OR HEART CONDITION

http://www.fugly.com/media/view.php?cat=DOWNLOADS&id=709

As the game progresses you will have to concentrate a little harder to get through to Level 4

GOOD LUCK!!!!!!

YOU BASTARD! :)

I thought I was doing so well! lol!

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