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[Mongo]

THE TIMES - - Letter of the Year:

A SENIOR MOMENT - (I PRAY TO GOD THAT I HAVE THEM LIKE THIS......) An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times and this newspaper thanks him most sincerely.


Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account �30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

Addendum from The Editor:
IMPORTANT to REMEMBER that this letter was written by a lady who is a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!!?

Mongo.

[V70D5]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is
a description of how the store operates:



You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item fro m a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floorian
the sign on the door reads:



Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.




She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:




Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.




"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."




So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:




Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.




"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.




She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:




Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.




"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"




Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:




Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.




She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:




Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.




PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[V70D5]

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mummy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mum won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license.  It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"














"Because you got an F in sex."

[CheekyMonkey]

Computer gender...male or female???

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
> > English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
> >
> > 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
> > 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
> >
> > A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
> >
> > Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
> > groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
> >
> > whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each
> > group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
> >
> > The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
> > feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
> >
> > 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
> >
> > 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
> > is incomprehensible to everyone else;
> >
> > 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
> > possible later retrieval; and
> >
> > 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
> > spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
> >
> > (THIS GETS BETTER!)
> >
> > The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
> >
> > Masculine ('el computador'), because:
> >
> > 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
> >
> > 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
> >
> > 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
> > they ARE the problem; and
> >
> > 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
> > little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
> >
> > The women won.

[V70Ben]

A little funny for you! Enjoy!

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you!

[roadhog]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story:  Women are clever. Don't mess with them.


Attention female readers :  This is the end of the joke for you.  Stop here
and continue feeling good.

Male readers :
Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story :  Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.


PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that
women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

[irf]

PMSL absolute quality!!

[Mongo]

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman in a pub in Tenerife.
>
> "Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow
> there's a little bar called McTavishs. Now the landlord there goes out of
> his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the
> 5th drink for you."
>
> "Well", said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there
> will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
>
> "Ahhhhh, that's nothing", said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's
> Ryans Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink,
> then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks
> they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
>
> The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he
> swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually
> happen to you?"
>
> "Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me
> sister."


Mongo.

[roadhog]

A woman is in hospital in a coma. During a routine check she shows a slight response to being touched in the vaginal area.
The nurses advise the husband that oral sex might be a way to bring her out of the coma.
Two hours later the woman is dead. The nurses ask the man what happened.
"Dunno" he says, "maybe she choked......."

[roadhog]

1.  Woman

2.  Washing machine

3.  Toaster

4. Dishwasher

Which is the odd one out?

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The Toaster, it's the only one that doesn't drip when it's fucked.......

[Mongoose]

Little girl crying in a supermarket in Romford,
Manager arrives, 'whats are you crying for?'
I cant find mummy,
Whats mummy like?
Big cocks and Bacardi Breezers.

[pavlie]

  

[FletchV70RAWD]

A great answer to a dumb question!!


  
  

  

                                    
Katie Couric, of American CBS News programme, while interviewing a Royal Marine sniper in Afghanistan , asked:
  
'What do you feel when you shoot a Taliban Fighter?'
  
The Marine shrugged and replied,
  
'A slight recoil.'


Hard to fault a Marine who is that eloquent!!

[g-wagon]

For the T5D5 pervs,

Try to not watch this at least ten times.

[Mongo]

Q-Whats red and white and site in a tree?





















A-A sanitary owl.




Mongo.

[Mongo]

BRICKLAYER'S ACCIDENT REPORT
Possibly the funniest story in a while. This is a bricklayer's accident
report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a
DarwinAward for sure....


  Dear Sir ,


  I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause
of
my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following
details will be sufficient.


I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was
working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed
my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed
later

were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.


Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower
them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of
the building on the sixth floor.


Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung
the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and
untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the
bricks.


  You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh
175lbs.


  Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I forgot
to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up
the side of the building.


In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now
proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed
in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I
continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my
right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.Fortunately this time
I
was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great
deal of pain.


At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight
of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you
again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent,
down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met
the
barrel coming up.


This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change
slightly.


The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen
my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only
three
vertebrae were cracked.I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on
the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I must have lost my
presence
of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel
begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.


I hope this answers your inquiry.




Mongo.

[Lord B]

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!'

The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?'

'Yes.'

'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?'

'Yes.'

'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?'

'Yes.'

'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.'

Guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.'

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?'

The hooker replies, '$1,500.'

'I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!'

The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.'

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, 'Sign me up.'

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,'How much for some pussy?'

The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?'

'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?'

'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a pussy.'
_________________

[Mongo]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON
and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides
to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " License and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign"

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming"

Glasgow cop says "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop,
that's the law, License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration, and you give me
the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir"

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*** out of the
lawyer and says "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"


Mongo.

[jellypig]

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in �20, even though it's only for �32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay �2 for a �1 item he needs.
A woman will pay �1 for a �2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[cumbrianmale]

Anyone seen the new Cadbury's Dairy Milk add with the airport vehicles racing?


































Terminal 5 by any chance??